I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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