3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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