FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
