Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
