bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
