we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize