You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Alive.
So much puke
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
