dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
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Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
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I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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