So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
