I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
