I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
