I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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