Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
