God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
