I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
