what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
