I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
What a fucking waste of an outfit
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
