he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Actions speak louder than pants.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
