Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
