Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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