The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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