Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
