I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
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Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well I just put wine in my tea
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
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My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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