I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
