I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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