I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
