I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
