At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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