call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
