I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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