I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How external is "for external use only"?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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