I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
