Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
