I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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