I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
