then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
