i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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