If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
