she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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