Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
