I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
