last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just puked most of my soul out..
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
