I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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