her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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