Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
