I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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