seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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