I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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