Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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