the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
