when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
