Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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