There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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