Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
mondays should just be called national damage control day
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
