he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
