just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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