Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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