Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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