you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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