i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
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when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
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You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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