Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
