...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
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You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
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I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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